There's nothing more important than empowering the lives of younger ones especially the Girl Child~Christina Ewanga.

2016 was a great year! It was a great privilege going from one neighborhood to another empowering and mentoring younger ones on the importance of Education while upholding the values of self-esteem, integrity, love and the believe in their dreams...Every child has a dream but we must invest in their lives for their dreams to become a reality.

An Overview of Domestic Violence

An Overview of Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is any kind of behavior that a person uses to control an intimate partner through fear and intimidation. It includes physical, sexual, psychological, verbal, and economic abuse. Some examples of domestic abuse include battering, name-calling and insults, threats to kill or harm one's partner or children, destruction of property, marital rape, and forced sterilization or abortion.⁸

Younger, unmarried women are at greatest risk for domestic violence. According to a U.S. government survey, 53 percent of victims were abused by a current or former girlfriend or boyfriend. One-third of all victims were abused by a spouse, while 14 percent said that the offender was an ex-spouse. Women ages 16 to 24 are nearly three times as vulnerable to attacks by intimate partners as those in other age groups; abuse victims between ages 35 and 49 run the highest risk of being killed.⁹

While abuse cuts across all ethnic and economic backgrounds, some women face particular obstacles. Women of color may not view the criminal justice system as a source of help. Additionally, in some cultures women feel pressured to keep problems within the home and to keep the family together at all costs. Some fear that they will lose face in the community if they leave. Immigrant women often lack familiarity with the language and legal systems of this country. Their abusers may threaten them with deportation.

Women in rural communities may find themselves with fewer resources. The isolation imposed by distance and lack of transportation can aggravate their situation. Isolation can also be a factor for women who do not work outside the home. They may have less access to financial resources and to information about domestic violence. Women with disabilities and elderly women are also particularly vulnerable to violence.

Some who suffer from domestic violence are also victims of stalking, which includes following a person, making harassing phone calls, and vandalizing property. Eight percent of women in the United States have been stalked at some time in their lives, and more than one million are stalked annually.¹⁰ Stalking is a unique crime because stalkers are obsessed with controlling their victims' actions and feelings. A victim can experience extreme stress, rage, depression, and an inability to trust anyone.

Domestic violence is often shrouded in silence. People outside the family hesitate to interfere, even when they suspect abuse is occurring. Many times even extended family denies that abuse exists, out of loyalty to the abuser and in order to protect the image of the family. Some people still argue—mistakenly—that intervention by outside sources endangers the sanctity of the home. Yet abuse and assault are no less serious when they occur within a family. Even when domestic violence is reported, sometimes there are failures to protect victims adequately or to punish perpetrators.

Why Men Batter

Domestic violence is learned behavior. Men who batter learn to abuse through observation, experience, and reinforcement. They believe that they have a right to use violence; they are also rewarded, that is, their behavior gives them power and control over their partner.

Abusive men come from all economic classes, races, religions, and occupations. The batterer may be a "good provider" and a respected member of his church and community. While there is no one type, men who abuse share some common characteristics. They tend to be extremely jealous, possessive, and easily angered. A man may fly into a rage because his spouse called her mother too often or because she didn't take the car in for servicing. Many try to isolate their partners by limiting their contact with family and friends.

Typically, abusive men deny that the abuse is happening, or they minimize it. They often blame their abusive behavior on someone or something other than themselves. They tell their partner, "You made me do this."

Many abusive men hold a view of women as inferior. Their conversation and language reveal their attitude towards a woman's place in society. Many believe that men are meant to dominate and control women.

Alcohol and drugs are often associated with domestic violence, but they do not cause it. An abusive man who drinks or uses drugs has two distinct problems: substance abuse and violence. Both must be treated.

Why Women Stay

Women stay with men who abuse them primarily out of fear. Some fear that they will lose their children. Many believe that they cannot support themselves, much less their children.

When the first violent act occurs, the woman is likely to be incredulous. She believes her abuser when he apologizes and promises that it will not happen again. When it does—repeatedly—many women believe that if they just act differently they can stop the abuse. They may be ashamed to admit that the man they love is terrorizing them. Some cannot admit or realize that they are battered women. Others have endured trauma and suffer from battered woman syndrome.

REMEMBER: Some battered women run a high risk of being killed when they leave their abuser or seek help from the legal system. It is important to be honest with women about the risks involved. If a woman decides to leave, she needs to have a safety plan, including the names and phone numbers of shelters and programs. Some victims may choose to stay at this time because it seems safer. Ultimately, abused women must make their own decisions about staying or leaving.

Reference:http://www.usccb.org/issues-and-action/marriage-and-family/marriage/domestic-violence/when-i-call-for-help.cfm

In the beginning, I was young . . . he was handsome. He said I was beautiful, smart, worthy of love . . . made me feel that way. And so we were married, walking joyfully together down a church aisle, our union blessed by God.

Then came the angry words . . . the verbal tearing apart. . . . Now I was made to feel ugly, unintelligent, unworthy of any love, God's or man's.

Next came the beatings . . . unrelenting violence . . . unceasing pain. I shouldn't stay, but this is my husband . . . promised forever. He says I deserve it . . . maybe I do . . . if I could just be good. I feel so alone . . . doesn't God hear me when I cry out silently as I lie in bed each night?

Finally came the release, the realization. It's not me . . . it's him. . . . I am worthy of love, God's and man's. One spring morning, my heart was filled with hope and with fear now only of starting over on my own. And so again I walked . . . down the hallway of our apartment building . . . never again to be silent . . . never again to live with that kind of violence, to suffer that kind of pain.
—A battered wife¹

Dieu m'a donne une nouvelle vie by Christina Ewanga

ARISE, WOMAN OF GOD

Question: "What is the biblical perspective on domestic violence?"

Question: "What is the biblical perspective on domestic violence?"

Answer: Domestic violence is narrowly defined as an act or threatened act of violence upon someone with whom the perpetrator is or has previously been in intimate relationship. The term domestic violence often brings to mind the concept of the “battered wife” or perhaps a married couple’s verbal argument escalating into physical assault. Domestic violence is also commonly linked to child abuse. Even if the children are not physically injured, watching or hearing a parent being abused can have severe psychological implications.

Domestic violence is about power and control. Though the term violence has physical connotations, domestic violence or abuse can occur in non-physical ways. For instance, abusers may manipulate their victims through emotional or economic means. Verbal abuse and sexual abuse are other forms. A person of any age, gender, socio-economic class, education level, or religion can be impacted by domestic violence.

Domestic abuse can be viewed in terms of a “cycle of violence.” Tension builds; the victim attempts to keep the abuser mollified; but, eventually, an incident occurs. The abuser apologizes and attempts to make it up to the victim, perhaps by promising it will never occur again or by lavishing the victim with gifts. Then comes a period of calm before the tension begins to build again. The stages of this cycle may take only minutes or may develop over years. Without intervention, the periods of “making up” and “calm” often disappear.

Domestic violence is in stark opposition to God’s plan for families. Genesis 1 and 2 depict marriage as a one-flesh, helping relationship. Ephesians 5:21 talks about mutual submission. Ephesians 5:22–24 explains a wife’s submissiveness to her husband, while verses 25–33 talk about a husband’s self-sacrificial love for his wife. First Peter 3:1–7 gives similar instructions. First Corinthians 7:4 says, “The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.” The two belong to one another and are called to love one another as Christ loved us. Marriage is an image of Christ and the Church. Domestic violence is a far cry from the character of Jesus.

Domestic violence involving children is also condemned by God. Psalm 127:3 says, “Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him.” God entrusts parents with children, and those parents are to lovingly care for them and train them up. Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (see also Colossians 3:21). Children are to obey their parents (Ephesians 6:1–3), and discipline is important. But discipline is distinctly different from violence and abuse. 

Following God involves serving others, not manipulating and controlling them. Jesus told His disciples, “Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave—just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Matthew 20:26–28). His command to us is to “love one another” (John 13:34). Ephesians 5:1–2 says, “Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” Christians are called to sacrificially love others, especially those in their own families. 

Those who are currently in a domestic violence situation should do everything possible to get out safely. Often, the most dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence is when she or he leaves. Contacting the police may be in order, or there may be other local resources available to help. In the United States, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help with information and resources. Their number is 1-800-799-7233. They can also be found online at http://www.thehotline.org/ (NOTE: computer use can be monitored, so only visit these websites if the abuser has no way of tracking your online activity). When domestic violence is ongoing, safety is the first step. 

Even after victims are physically safe and bodily wounds have healed, emotional and psychological scars run deep. Domestic violence can have severe spiritual implications as well. Victims may distrust God. Why would He allow such a thing to happen? Is He trustworthy? Does He really love me? Where was He when I was being abused? Walking through the healing process takes time. The emotional reaction to the situation must come. It is appropriate to express anger over the abuse. If we do not acknowledge the severity of the situation—the anger, the confusion, the hurt, the shame, etc.—we cannot heal from it. Too often, victims are prematurely hurried into forgiveness. Ultimately, forgiveness is the thing that will set a victim free. But true forgiveness cannot be extended if the scars of the abuse are not first acknowledged and dealt with. Victims of domestic violence will likely need the support of a well-trained Christian counselor to journey with them through the healing process.

We should not assume that abusers have no needs other than to stop abusing. There are likely unresolved issues that have led them to become abusive. If an abuser is willing to admit his or her culpability and desires help, there is hope. Again, Christian counseling can be of great value.

Each domestic violence story is different. The situations and people are so diverse that no one article can sufficiently handle the issue. However, generally speaking, marriage counseling is not an appropriate solution—at least not until all abuse has stopped, both parties have undergone individual counseling, and both parties desire reconciliation. The same would be true for family therapy. Children should never be put into an abusive situation or be expected to remain in one while an abuser learns godly parenting.

Domestic violence hurts the heart of God. He is not unmoved by its victims, nor has He abandoned them. His plan for human relationships—particularly those among family—is a beautiful depiction of who He is. Family is meant to reflect God’s love. It saddens Him when a home turns into a place of pain. God’s desire for those involved with domestic violence—both victims and abusers—is healing and wholeness.

Recommended Resources: No Place for Abuse: Biblical & Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence by Catherine Clark Kroeger & Nancy Nason-Clark and Logos Bible Software.

It’s one thing to try and teach your child responsibility by telling him “You need to be more responsible and pick up after yourself.” It's quite another to teach by example. As the parent, you are the perfect person to model what responsible behavior entails.

RESPONSIBILITY

As a parent, there are endless things I want to teach my children how to be thoughtful and caring, how to be creative and innovative, how to be trustworthy and honest, how to be a good listener, and much more. But one trait that is high up on that list is how to be responsible.

Being responsible includes learning how to take care of yourself and others, as well as managing personal belongings, a school life, a home, and eventually a job. Learning responsibility doesn’t happen overnight, but the good news is that it can be taught early, even in 3-year-olds...we'll be sharing some tips that can help your child learn the values of being a responsible person....

AMAZING KIDS OF CHARACTER: RESPONSIBILITY (Accessible Preview)

The Chore Challenge: Teaching Kids Responsibility

Discover the secret to getting your kid to set the table or tidy her room without being constantly on her case about it.

By Beth Howard from Parents Magazine

My daughter,zoe, was 5 when I decided to give her a couple of chores: making her bed every morning and putting some of her clean clothes in drawers on laundry day. Let's just say she blew off these tasks for months. I was beyond frustrated that my sweet kid, who eagerly pitched in at school during cleanup time, couldn't care less about lending a hand at home.

Sound familiar? While chores are typically greeted with enthusiasm in the preschool years ("Look, I'm helping Mommy!"), by the time a child is 5 or 6 -- and genuinely ready for more responsibility -- her natural excitement wanes, says parenting expert Deborah Gilboa, M.D., the founder of Ask-DoctorG.com. Don't let your chore-dodger off the hook. To spur her on to action, enlist the help of these motivational tricks from the experts.

Pull Out the Big-Kid Card

If you've never specifically given chores to your kid before, he's going to wonder: Why is Mom making me empty the dishwasher or set the table now? So appeal to his desire to be more grown-up. "It can be as simple as saying, 'Now that you're 5, you're stronger, taller, and more careful. I bet you could put away the washed dinner plates,'" suggests Meg Akabas, founder of Parenting Solutions, a consulting firm.

More Ideas to Teach Kids Responsibility

Pitch in Together

Sure, you're not always going to want to do your chores at the same time as your child does hers. But saying something like, "Help me straighten up the house. I'll do my bedroom, and you do yours" will help get a reluctant kid started. 'Young children seem to respond better when household tasks are presented as a shared family responsibility," says Akabas. "Of course, you do a lot of housework, but your child is oblivious to much of it."

Think Like Mary Poppins

That iconic nanny knew that chores don't have to be boring. "By incorporating some fun into tasks, you can improve your kid's attitude about helping with housework," says Lea Schneider, author of Growing Up Organized: A Mom-to-Mom Guide. Put on some music and encourage him to sing or dance while he's cleaning up. (That's why that cleanup song in preschool is so effective.) Or create contests to keep him interested -- and help messes evaporate -- such as "Let's see how many toys we can put away before this song finishes playing" or "I wonder if you could tear all this lettuce into little pieces for a salad by the time I'm done slicing the veggies."

Start a Reward System

I finally got Zoe in a good place with her chores by offering to do something special with her when the job was done. For once-a-week family cleanups, I'd say something like, "If you put all your Groovy Girls into a bin, then you, Dad, and I can go for a bike ride on the greenway." To keep up with her two everyday responsibilities -- making her bed and setting the table -- I customized an online chore chart that allows her to check off her work daily. (You can get one at parents.com/chore-chart.) At the end of a productive week, she earns an extra storytime or we all watch a movie of her choice. "Letting your child know that you'll have time for a fun activity if she completes her chores quickly is much more effective than offering an allowance for chores," says Akabas. "If you pay your child, it becomes difficult to persuade her to help with anything without giving her money."

Originally published in the February 2011 issue of Parents magazine.

Related Features:

• Print It: Downloadable Chore Charts
• 5 Ways to Motivate Kids to Do Chores
• Secrets to Cleaning with Kids

Your Legacy Matters

Sitting a child down in a reading corner, on a blanket, or on the couch and training them to sit for five minutes and “read” the Bible is very doable.

Many parents make a false assumption that developing spiritual habits in a child’s life is something that cannot happen until they are older. There is no reason we must wait to teach our children to carve out time in their day to be with God. When children are as young as the toddler age, we can begin to teach them to spend time reading God’s word. Sitting a child down in a reading corner, on a blanket, or on the couch and training them to sit for five minutes and “read” the Bible is very doable. Children may not be able to read yet, but this should not be a deterrence. We should have a colorful, well-illustrated Bible that brings stories to life. If we are regularly reading the Bible to our child, they will be able to recognize the pictures and be reminded of the text. Habits are formed when children are young....so it's never too early to begin reading the Bible to our children.....Let's start now.


Christina Ewanga
On Raising Kids With The Wisdom of God Series.

Your life is worth living!

Listen, your life is worth living! I don't know you; I don't know what situation you are in or the storm that is blowing in your life right now. But no matter what you are going through, your life is worth living. Don't choose the gun. Don't choose drugs. Don't choose sex. Choose your life. Yes! Choose to stay. You are bigger and stronger than whatever life has thrown at you. That much I know because, you are still here. Just take a moment and walk to the mirror. Look closely at yourself; aren't you beautiful? Aren't you special? Aren't you such a masterpiece? Come on! You made a mistake. Yes! You brought you where you are. So what! People make mistakes; not angels. You can get you out of there. Look, you have the keys right now. You can either lock yourself in or break yourself out. The choice is yours! But I know with all of my heart that your life is worth living.Yes, no matter the mistake God still has great plans for you...plans to give you hope and a future...yes, plans to give you a bright future...we all make mistakes...you're not alone! you're not alone! you're not alone! your life is worth living...Choose life...There's no sin or mistake so big that God cannot forgive...please hold on! please hold on!...you're so loved, you're so valuable...don't give up! don't give up...don't.....your life is worth living..........Jesus loves you...I do...

Your sister
Christina.

Tuesday's Motivation: Never Quit ! Never Give Up!

In life we fail, sometimes once, sometimes twice, sometimes thrice and sometimes every time. So we decide to quit, because we did our best but it was not good enough. Sometimes too we succeed and then out of no where we make a little mistake and it makes us feel like we have failed totally.

Oftentimes people look at our size, our height, our color, our country, our past and tell us we cannot achieve anything great.
Sometimes we believe them, other times we think they are right. So we quit and give up and we hide ourselves from the world and from the people who look up to us.

We hide our dreams, we hide our passion, we hide our talent, we hide our skill, we hide our ideas. We coil and retire to being quiet and to stay out of trouble.
But everyday we look at ourselves in the mirror and we hear the still small voice telling us, never give up and don't quit but we ignore it.

We begin to resort to all avenues and mediums to help us feel okay.
Sometimes we begin to calm ourselves with alcohol, substance abuse, drugs, sex and many more because we know we are hurting deep inside and we just don't believe there is anything good still left in us. But today I want to change your mindset of failure and giving up.

When we fail it means
F - First
A - Attempt
I - In
L- Life

And like everyone when we were learning to walk as children we fell many times but we kept trying until we could walk.
After we could walk now we can run, but before we had to fall to learn not to fall.
So in life, we fail to learn how not to fail. We don't quit to learn how to succeed.

Steve Jobs was fired from Apple a company he helped build because he failed at some point. But He went away to learn not to fall anymore because he who has fallen fears no fall.
When he came back to Apple, those who had not failed could not match him anymore because he has learnt from his mistake.

Today I want to tell you too not to quit or give up because you have failed in the past. 

I love you and I want you to promise me that you too wont give up. "Because when you Keep trying, you will come out flying."

Please, spare a little time today and  meditate on these uplifting scriptures.

* 2 Chronicles 15:7
*Isaiah 41:10
*Jeremiah 29:11
*Galatians 6:9
*Joshua 1:9
*Mark 10:27

 Have an Inspirational Tuesday!
Be blessed.
Christina.

Had an empowering day with my mentees
Inspiring my Mentees to LOVE, EXPRESS, and BE who they are.# Girls Arise & Shine ‪#‎EducationIsAHigherCalling‬ ‪#‎ariseandshine ‬‪#‎RaisingGirlLeaders‬

What every mother should pray for their children

(1)  To Know God’s Word and Salvation - 2 Timothy 3:15; Colossians 3:16
Father, I pray that my children will learn and understand Your holy scriptures, which are able to make them wise unto salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus. I pray that Your Word will dwell in them richly in all wisdom. In Jesus’ Name.

(2)  To Know the Love of God – Ephesians 3:17-18

Father, I pray that Christ may live in my children’s hearts and that they would trust in You. I pray that their roots will go down deep into the soil of Your marvelous love.  And that they have the power to understand how deep Your love really is. In Jesus’ Name.

(3)  To Be Obedient to God’s Will & Plan for Their Life – 1 John 2:1; 3:22
Father, I pray that my children conform to Your will in every purpose, thought and action.  I pray that they will follow Your plan for them and habitually practice what is pleasing to You. In Jesus’ Name.

(4)  For Safety & Protection – Psalm 91
Father, I thank you that my children dwell in the secret place of the Most High and abide under the shadow of the Almighty. You are their refuge, their fortress, their God, in You will they trust. No evil shall befall them, neither shall any plague come near their dwelling. You give Your angels charge over them to keep them in all their ways. They call upon You and You answer them. You are with them in trouble and deliver them. With long life You satisfy them and show them Your salvation! In Jesus’ Name.

(5)  For Healing & Health – 1 Peter 2:24, Matthew 8:17
Father, according to Your Word, Jesus Himself took stripes on His body so that we could be healed. He took our infirmities and bore our sicknesses. Therefore, I thank you for healing my child. I believe that he/she is healed and continues to experience excellent health in life. In Jesus’ Name.

(6)  To Honor Their Parents – Ephesians 6:1; Colossians 3:20
Father, I pray that my children will obey and honor us as their parents so that all will be well with them and that they will live long on the earth. This is well pleasing to You. In Jesus’ Name.

(7)  For Favor, Wisdom and Learning – Daniel 1:4,17,20Father, I pray that my children are well-favored and skillful in all wisdom, discernment, and understanding.  I pray that they are competent to learn whatever they need to know.  I ask You to give them the aptitude for understanding and wisdom. In Jesus’ Name.

(8)  For Peace – Isaiah 54:13 Father, I pray that all my children will be disciples taught of You and obedient to You will, and that their peace and undisturbed composure will be great. In Jesus’ Name.

(9)  To Have No Fear  – 2 Timothy 1:7
Father, I ask you to help my children realize that You have not given them a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. In Jesus’ Name.

(10)  To Know Christ is Their Strength – Philippians 4:13
I pray that my children realize and understand that they can do all things through Christ who strengthens them. In Jesus’ Name.

Want to give your children a firm foundation in the Word of God? God Said So! is a 31-day power-packed daily devotional  for kids that will help you teach them 31 powerful truths from the Word of God. 

                   

Do Your Kids Respect You?

Here are 9 ways to help change their Attitude by Janet Lehman,MSW.

We often forget that children aren’t born with a built-in sense of respect for others. While each child has a different personality, all children need to be taught to be respectful. From birth, kids learn to manipulate their world to get their needs met—this is natural. But it’s our job as parents to teach them respectful ways of doing this.

It’s important to remember that your child is not your friend—he’s your child. Your job is to teach him to be able to function in the world. This means teaching him to behave respectfully to others, not just you.

People wonder why kids have gotten so much more disrespectful these days—we see children and teens arguing with adults (or ignoring them outright), using foul language, copping an attitude, and not using manners or respecting those in authority. Sadly, this has become the norm for many children and teens. In my opinion, it really is a different world right now than the one we grew up  in. Movies, music, video games and television all seem to glorify a disrespectful, angry, rude way of dealing with others. This means that in some ways we have to work harder as parents to teach our kids to be respectful. Added to this is the fact that parents are also busier than ever before, which makes it much harder to respond immediately to our kids. Let’s face it, it’s easier to let things slide when you’re worn out and stressed from working so hard. 

Related: Is your child talking back, being rude, or ignoring you? How to change their behavior.

Another phenomenon that has increased over time: Many parents have a hard time looking at their kids in a realistic light. In some ways, our own parents were less defensive and more open to the fact that their kids were not “perfect.” I can’t overstate how important it is to be willing to look at your children realistically, noting both their strengths and their areas of weakness. This allows you to see inappropriate behavior as it happens and address it—and not make excuses or ignore it.

So how can you change the culture in your own house if disrespectful behavior is starting—or is already a way of life? Here are 9 things you can do as a parent today to start getting respect back from your kids.

1. Remember, your child is not your friend. It’s not about your child liking you or even thanking you for what you do. It’s important to remember that your child is not your friend—he’s your child. Your job is to coach him to be able to function in the world. This means teaching him to behave respectfully to others, not just you. When you think your child might be crossing the line, a good rule of thumb is to ask yourself, “Would I let the neighbor say these things to me? Would I let a stranger?” If the answer is no, don’t let your child do it, either. Some day when your child becomes an adult, your relationship may become more of a friendship, but for now, it’s your job to be his parent: his teacher, coach and limit setter—not the buddy who lets him get away with things.

Related: Does your child act like he’s in control of your house? Take back parental authority.

2. Catch disrespect early and plan ahead if you can. It’s good to catch disrespectful behavior early if possible. If your child is rude or disrespectful, don’t turn a blind eye. Intervene and say, “We don’t talk to each other that way in this family.”  Giving consequences when your kids are younger is going to pay off in the long run. It’s really important as a parent if you see your child being disrespectful to admit it and then try to nip it in the bud. Also, if your child is about to enter the teen years (or another potentially difficult phase) think about the future. Some parents I know are already planning how they will address behavior as their ADD daughter (who is now 11) becomes a teenager. They’re learning skills to prepare for their interactions with her at a later time. This can only help them as they move forward together as a family.

3. Get in alignment with your mate. It’s so important for you and your mate to be on the same page when it comes to your child’s behavior. Make sure one of you isn’t allowing the disrespectful behavior while the other is trying to intercede. Sit down together and talk about what your bottom lines are, and then come up with a plan of action—and a list of consequences you might give—if your child breaks the rules.

4.Teach your child basic social interaction skills. It may sound old fashioned, but it’s very important to teach your child basic manners like saying “please” and “thank you.” When your child deals with her teachers in school or gets her first job and has these skills to fall back on, it will really go a long way. Understand that using manners—just a simple “excuse me” or “thank you”—is also a form of empathy. It teaches your kids to respect others and acknowledge their impact on other people. When you think about it, disrespectful behavior is the opposite, negative side of being empathetic and having good manners.

Related: How to create a "culture of accountability" in your family—and teach your kids to be responsible and respectful.  

5. Be respectful when you correct your child. When your child is being disrespectful, you as a parent need to correct them in a respectful manner. Yelling and getting upset and having your own attitude in response to theirs is not helpful and often only escalates behavior. The truth is, if you allow their disrespectful behavior to affect you, it’s difficult to be an effective teacher in that moment. You can pull your child aside and give them a clear message, for example. You don’t need to shout at them or embarrass them. One of our friends was excellent at this particular parenting skill. He would pull his kids aside, say something quietly (I usually had no idea what it was), and it usually changed their behavior immediately.  Use these incidents as teachable moments by pulling your kids aside calmly, making your expectations firm and clear, and following through with consequences if necessary.

6. Try to set realistic expectations for your kids around their behavior. This may actually mean that you need to lower your expectations. Don’t plan a huge road trip with your kids, for example, if they don’t like to ride in the car. If your child has trouble in large groups and you plan an event for 30 people, you’re likely to set everyone up for disappointment and probably an argument!

If you are setting realistic expectations and you still think there might be some acting-out behaviors that crop up, set limits beforehand. For example, if you’re going to go out to dinner, be clear with your kids about what you expect of them. This will not only help the behavior, but in some ways will help them feel safer. They will understand what is expected of them and will know what the consequences will be if they don’t meet those expectations. If they meet your goals, certainly give them credit, but also if they don’t, follow through on whatever consequences you’ve set up for them.

7. Clarify the limits when things are calm. When you’re in a situation where your child is disrespectful, that’s not the ideal time to do a lot of talking about limits or consequences.  At a later time you can talk with your child about his behavior and what your expectations are.

Related: How to choose consequences that  will work for your child.

8. Talk about what happened afterward. If your child is disrespectful or rude, talk about what happened (later, when things are calm) and how it could have been dealt with differently. That’s a chance for you, as a parent, to listen to your child and hear what was going on with her when that behavior happened. Try to stay objective. You can say, “Pretend a video camera recorded the whole thing. What would I see?” This is also a perfect time to have your child describe what she could have done differently.

9. Don’t take it personally. One of the biggest mistakes parents can make is to take their child’s behavior personally. The truth is, you should never fall into that trap because the teenager next door is doing the same thing to his parents, and your cousin’s daughter is doing the same thing to her parents. Your role is to just deal with your child’s behavior as objectively as possible. When parents don’t have effective ways to deal with these kinds of things, they may feel out of control and get scared—and often overreact or under react to the situation. When they overreact, they become too rigid, and when they under react, they ignore the behavior or tell themselves it’s “just a phase.” Either way, it won’t help your child learn to manage his thoughts or emotions more effectively, and be more respectful.

Related: How to be a consistent parent.

Understand that if you haven’t been able to intervene early with your kids, you can start at any time. Even if your child is constantly exhibiting disrespectful behavior, you can begin stepping in and setting those clear limits. And kids really do want limits, even if they protest loudly—and they will. The message that they get when you step in and set limits is that they’re cared about, they’re loved and that you really want them to be successful and able to function well in the world. Our kids won’t thank us now, but that’s okay—it’s not about getting them to thank us, it’s about doing the right thing.

About Janet Lehman, MSW

Janet Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled children and teens for over 30 years. A veteran social worker, she specializes in child behavior issues — ranging from anger management and oppositional defiance to more serious criminal behavior in teens. In addition, Janet gained a personal understanding of child learning and behavior challenges from her son, who struggled with learning disabilities in school. She is co-creator of The Total Transformation® Program, The Complete Guide To Consequences™, Getting Through To Your Child™, and Two Parents One Plan™.